I can see clearly now...

Hey hey hey!


I’ve been working almost four weeks now. So much time has passed, and yet I remember clearly a time when I did not even know I was coming here with great certainty. But here I am.


When I came to Harvard, I was afraid I would fail at science, which was irrationally compounded with a fear of success that would compel me to continue doing lab work, a fear that after meeting people here I would be even more dissuaded from volunteering for a year or two. You can’t take a year off and go somewhere like Harvard, or if you do, you couldn’t possibly succeed. At least I didn’t think so.


Within my first week, I met a postdoc in my lab from UW Madison, who told me that a) he took a year off, b) grad school is all about stamina, and c) if taking a year off is something that recharges you, do it.


Last week, I discovered that one of the graduate students in my lab, who has just finished his first year at Harvard, spent the two years before he came here in a Peace Corps term. He not only is succeeding, but also said that his Peace Corps term helped him to get a grant from the NSF or NIH. They cited it when they awarded him the money, telling him that the experience helps to frame his project (which has some sort of biomedical application, but I don’t know much about it).


I am happy to report that I was wrong, oh so very wrong, and will be applying to volunteer programs in the fall. JVC NW, FVM and the Working Boys Center.


As I continue to discern whom I am called to serve, and as I grow more confident in my own ability to do research and function as an independent and valuable member of the lab, I remember a time when I really liked to take standardized tests. (This was in high school; I no longer harbor so much of that sentiment.) When I didn’t know an answer outright, I would use all that I knew to come up with a sensible solution to the problem. I took what I knew and used it to find out something I did not know. That is, on some level, what I am doing now, with the added bonus of the possibility that it might help someone.


For this job, for this vocation, the ability to get good test scores, to “know the right answer” is not enough. I am now doing something that I only recently discovered that I was doing, that I had to do, that I hadn’t done in a while: learn a new skill. All I have been doing for as long as I can remember is learn new information from other people’s lectures. Now, I am learning the best way to find new information, to read and learn it for myself, to present it in a way that makes it seem important, to present it in a clear and concise manner. I have not encountered any sort of academic obstacle that was not easily overcome in a very long time. I am now encountering them all at once, and I have been shrinking away. I’d forgotten what it’s like not to feel at least mildly competent outright.


One of my favorite quotations (which actually is not saying much, since there are a lot of them) is from e.e. cummings: “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” While I did not start out as one good at this research thing, I am getting better, from all signs anyway, and I am beginning to believe that the academic path is part of who I really am. It takes courage to face the obstacles that life presents you, to do the things you think you cannot, and eventually do them well. I am working on the courage thing, to do things I don’t feel capable of just yet, and fail a little bit, even.


The other line I come to during my discernment is the following, from an Anna Nalick song, “Shine.” “Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are? We’re all wait – waiting on your supernova, ‘cause that’s who you are and you’ve only begun to shine.” I hear a lot from everyone about my bright future, how I will do amazing things. If that’s true, this Harvard thing is only the beginning, and if I don’t get over my fragility, I will never produce that supernova that everyone wants and expects from me. That’s where the courage comes in.


That’s all for now.


Currently reading: Grace (Eventually) by Anne Lamott. I love her.


“I have climbed highest mountains. I have run through the fields…but I still haven't found what I'm looking for…"


- Rachel

It's just another ordinary miracle today...

Hey everyone!

I hope you're all enjoying wonderful summers; I know I am.

Some highlights from the past few days:

1. I found out that the work I have been doing is contributing to a paper, on which I will get to be an author. Fifth author in fact. The closer you are to being first, the more work you have done for the project, and ultimately the more important you are. The only thing more spectacular about me eventually getting to be on a paper is that I might get listed before someone, because I have contributed more to the work. I can't believe it. My first paper, and I am not the last one listed! That's if it even gets that far. Or when it gets that far...

2. We went to a greek festival, where I ate the most delicious gyro! Then, some Greek dessert, it was like the baclava pastry but with egg custardy stuff. Yum. :-)

3. I took the T yesterday to the Arboretum (a tree park) and on the way there, this little boy and I made faces at each other. He would make one, and I would copy him, and about 5 minutes in, his mother saw him stick his tongue out and told him to stop. She did not see me though, and so we continued on until I had to get off at my stop. It was so adorable! :-)

4. I went to see Toy Story in 3D. It was AWESOME! I won't spoil it for those who have not yet seen it, but GO SEE IT!

5. I was at church today when a lady two rows in front of me fainted. Almost immediately, ten people were around her, with water, fanning her, propping up her legs. It was amazing, the kindness of strangers. They did everything, and then when they found out she was by herself, a couple went with her to the hospital. I feel so grateful to have been a witness to such selflessness.

I'm off to work on the outline to that paper. And sleep. Midday naps are awesome. :-)

Currently reading: One Big Damn Puzzler by John Harding. Yeah, I know. It's taking forever.

"And I said, love will come to you, hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true, as if I've offered up a crystal ball to look through. Where there's now one, there will be two..."

- Rachel

It takes a little more than you've got right now, but give it, give it time...

Today I almost felt like a real grad student. I was running my experiments and consulting with postdocs and doing science. It was great. Of all of the days thus far, this was the day I felt like I most belonged.

My experiment is working; my gold nanoelectrodes conduct electricity!! :-)

I learn a little more every day (fun fact: most meat that is sold in stores is electrically stimulated to make it more tender; that is, electrical current is run through it), and I am becoming a better researcher for it.

The more time I spend in the lab, the more I feel like I can contribute to the greater body of knowledge, the more I feel like I can do science. I picked this title not only because I saw it in a friend's facebook status, but because it is exactly how I feel about grad school right now. I am not completely ready yet, but if I give it time, I will be.

Currently reading: One Big Damn Puzzler by John Harding. I'm ashamed to keep admitting this. I will finish it soon enough. It's really good, I just don't have a lot of free time!

"We never know how high we are,

'til we are called to rise,

and then, if we are true to plan,

our statures touch the skies.

The heroism we recite

would be a daily thing,

did not ourselves the cuibits warp

for fear to be a king."

Emily Dickinson

- Rachel

I think it's time to give this game a ride.

Hey everyone!

Some of you may be wondering why I have been a) posting so infrequently, b) never online, or c) MIA. Well, I am alive and well, still without entirely reliable internet, but that should be soon. I hope. Apparently it was way worse last year. I would have hated to have been those people.

So, what might I be doing without facebook to eat up my life?? All sorts of things! Since my last post, I have:

1. gone to Trader Joe's. Best grocery store ever. I now understand why everyone loves it so much. We need one in Syracuse.

2. eaten my first fried oreo, and then my second. It was super tasty! I can't wait to get some at my first trip to the fair this fall. (Yes, I am going to be a senior at Le Moyne and I have never been to the fair.)

3. learned a really awesome Russian card game, Durak. I was going out first for a while when I really didn't understand the game. Then I figured out why I was doing so well, and sort of maintained it. Beginner's Luck I suppose...

4. went to church at St. Paul's, right near my dorm and met a couple summer programmers at Harvard that are not in REU, but are from Harvard. We talked about the possibilities of playing life size chess in our sadly unfurnished common room.

5. and most importantly, I did real science! We got our experiment to work, which means that I made gold wires that conduct electricity! :-) It was amazing.

I've been up to quite a bit; what about you all? Leave me a post about whatever you're up to, or an email. I can't wait to hear all about it!

Currently reading: One Big Damn Puzzler by John Harding. It's taking a long time because my free time allotment is rather low. Since I am doing all of these other fun things.

"Learn to pretend there's more than love that matters..."

- Rachel

All that glitters is gold.

I know that some famous guy or gal said that all that glitters is not gold. Smash Mouth disagrees, and I am going to have to take their side on that one. Here's why: I used an electron beam to put gold on a polymer needle today! Super awesome stuff. Well, Max the grad student actually did it, and I helped a little and mostly watched. Which will have to do for now. Soon enough I'll be doing it myself.

I love the view from my dorm room. Although it is not the Charles River, like I'd hoped, it's some Harvard building that you can see behind trees, and at night it is lit up and absolutely beautiful.

I am finally finding my way around this place. It's fun to be able to walk with lots of stuff around you, without the craziness of NYC.

Locals in my program (mostly just Allison, the other REU working with my postdoc), have told me how awesome JP Licks, an ice cream place, is. I finally went today; chocolate brownie brownie batter ice cream is soooooo good. :-) Like whoah.

However, the highlight of my day, by far, was getting to see my dearest Catherine Farrell! <3>

Currently reading: One Big Damn Puzzler by John Harding.

"I thank the lord for the people I have found..."

- Rachel

It's raining on Sunday, storming like crazy...

Hey everyone!

It's already the end of my fourth day at Harvard, and it has been an absolutely wonderful four days. My welcome to Harvard was the torrential downpour on Sunday, but since then it's been relatively nice out. Not that I would know, since my days are spent in the lab...

My program has about 60 students, which is great and difficult at the same time. I am excited to get to know all of them, because they all seem like great people, but it is also overwhelming at the same time, with so many of them.

My lab is also one of the, if not the biggest labs in the department, and therefore I have even more people to meet and interact with. It's been a blast, though; everyone is so helpful when I've had questions. The most valuable thing for me so far has just been the ability to talk to other people about their work and experience; it helps me frame my own experiences.

One of the things I keep thinking about as I adjust to this new place is how much I miss the familiarity of SU, all of the people I was able to get to know, and just knowing the lay of the land. It's funny to me that one day I will feel this way about this place, too. Right now, though, I am still getting used to the area - I can finally walk to work without a map, and I am getting a feel for the area between Mather (my dorm) and the lab. And then there's the matter of getting to my lab from the front door, which I have more or less mastered. And then, to complicate things further, the building is not laid out easily like the chemistry part of CST at SU, so if I want to go anywhere else, I could be screwed. Oh well.

So, in summary, all is well here. Let me know how you are; comment to the blog or hit up my email. :-)

Currently reading: One Big Damn Puzzler by John Harding.

"In between the moon and you, angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right..."

Rachel