Nothing's ever out of reach, so dream, dream, dream!

This post is prompted by two things that happened to me today. The first:

I was walking back from the gym earlier, and I was considering how happy I was with my presentation. I was glad that I had done well, despite what I had foreseen for myself, and I remembered something I had been told: You have unlimited potential in whatever you pursue. Who had said it? My 8th grade history teacher had written it in my yearbook. I have chosen to believe it, despite the source. I say "despite" because this is the same teacher who told us that Africa was in the western hemisphere, among other things. You can't be wrong all the time, right? Anyway, I had made a little paper sign of that statement as a reminder to myself throughout high school, and it served me well. It has stayed on my cork board; I never took it to college. Perhaps I would have less of a confidence issue. Who knows? My point is that if you don't believe in yourself, you won't go to far. Even if other people believe in you. And if they do, it's probably a good sign that you should, too.

The second:

I was instant messaging a friend, to whom I found it necessary to give the following piece of advice: If you want to catch a frog, you can't worry about getting you shorts wet. It was especially applicable then, but you could put it to anything. If, for example, I want to be a teacher, I can't worry about standing up in front of the class and speaking. It's an occupational hazard that I have to accept, or get another occupation. The choice is always yours. You decide what the cost is, if the temporary wet shorts are worth the frog or not. I promise that your shorts will dry. Maybe I have taken the metaphor a bit far, but your shorts will dry. They can't stay wet forever.

That's that. Coherent or not. I just wanted to share. After all, I am learning about the world.

Currently reading: Nothing per se. I took another stab at Anna Karenina after finishing Run, but to minimal success. I just needed a workout book. Great Expectations is next. And this book called The Historian.

Listening to: "Dare to Dream" by Jo Dee Messina. "Let your heart and soul lead the way. Live, love, seize the day and dare to dream." <3

- Rachel

I'll hide my head here in this paper bag...

The title refers to a couple of my REU friends. They wanted to go to a mask party, and needing masks, they took some paper bags and went with it. I don't really know how it turned out.

Today I added solutions of my compounds to the cells I plated yesterday. Me and biology, we went our separate ways a long time ago. With good reason. I mean, it is cool and all, but not for me. Not until I get better with the repeater at least.

I was going to write this yesterday, but with so much else to say, I left it for now. An away message of a good friend said this: "Sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve." It wasn't the first time I had seen it, but it was an important reminder of something I can forget. Remember what you deserve. How do you even know what that is? Maybe it's one of those things you figure out by process of elimination; somewhere along the way the bar gets set by past experiences. Is there a baseline though? I venture to set one:

1. No one deserves to be in constant pain of any sort.

2. No one deserves to be unhappy with his or her life.

3. No one deserves to feel less worthy because of any arbitrary standard that he or she doesn't meet.

I don't know what it all comes down to, I only know this: we were meant to life this life fully and to help others do the same. Not everyone gets what they want, nor does everyone get what they deserve. That shouldn't stop us from trying.

Currently reading: Run. Yeah, I know.

Listening to: "Good Love Is On The Way" by John Mayer. "You can take all the tricks up my sleeve. I don't need them anymore." :)

- Rachel

The world is on fire...

So, the world is not actually on fire. We just had another fire drill this morning. At 7:45. I really do not appreciate these alarm businesses. Just putting it out there.

Today I presented my research once again, at Tuesday Lunch. It went WELL. Except for Sponsler waving at me and basically telling me I needed to stop talking, because I ran longer than I thought I would. Other than that, it was great. :)

I started legitimate cell work today. By legitimate I mean I passed the cells, and then I counted them. This is a particularly faulty process for multiple reasons:

1. I have never been very good at seeing the whole field of view with the microscope. I get the whole principle, I just stink at it.

2. The microscope is in a position where I have to bend over to look into it, even when I sit on the stool. This may cause, if prolonged, hunchback status. I could be the star of a Hugo novel. Or a Disney movie.

3. It's probably one of the least exciting things anyone could be doing in a lab. While it doesn't take much skill or anything, it is extremely time-consuming and monotonous. Worse than cleaning HPLC vials.

4. While I like biology, I am far more partial to the more mathematical sciences. I am lucky to have gotten this far without the biology being the main focus; nevertheless, it's kind of important if the goal of my project is ultimately to kill cancerous tumors.

Alas, I am told that cell counting is what undergrads are for. I haven't been able to properly defend myself. Oh well.

Currently reading: still Run. I plan to get to Great Expectations this weekend on the bus ride to Old Forge, where we are canoeing! :)

Listening to: "The Long Way Around" by the Dixie Chicks. "I've always found my way somehow by taking the long way, taking the long way around."

- Rachel

It's gonna be easy from now on.

I presented at group meeting today. Me. Rachel. I gave a scientific presentation in front of other people. And, in spite of my warp speed talking, it went well. I fielded the few questions with the grace of someone who actually knew what they were talking about. Yes, I wish I had said some things differently. Yes, I wish I hadn't sounded like I was the most nervous person in the world. In the end, though, I feel like I can do this. Not without a lot more practicing, for certain, but if this is where I am supposed to be, I will do just fine. It's the start of a new confidence. :) Now I just have to give this same presentation tomorrow. Piece of cake. At least I hope so...

In other news, today is July 27th, and that means that we have officially less than three weeks left. If you want to get all technical about it, we have 17 days left, not including move out day. It's crazy. This is week eight. I've done real research, made some progress, and met some really cool people along the way. I always make sure I include to my immediate lab mates that I think I want to go into physical chemistry, but I wouldn't change a thing about the summer. Not even the biology, which I don't care as much for. Don't get me wrong, Honors and AP Biology with Masiello was a blast, but I just like the math more. I've been lucky to have done mostly synthetic and analytical chemistry since I have been here. We will start cell testing soon, since we finally have a living cell line. Still, like I was told before, sometimes it's better to take the wrong path, because knowing that it is the wrong one often helps you find the right one. This summer has helped me in so many ways to be better suited for finding the right path. I can't say I've found it yet, but I am well on my way.

With such a short time left here, I have been contemplating my return to school, and I almost can't remember what it's like to go to class and have that kind of life. I mean, I know I did it, and I know what is involved, but I can't wrap my head around what I am returning to. I am excited to be back to Tae Kwon Do; as much as I would have liked to practice, it's just not the same without at least one other person. And here there is no one. :( I miss everyone from that place, too. Don't get me wrong, the REUs are cool people, but it's not the same as being able to say something like "Ray Cay, wipe your face" and have a bunch of people burst out laughing. I can't wait to be reunited with my sharkies!!!

Currently reading: still Run. Very good, just haven't had much time with this presentation business.

Listening to: "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. "I hope you're happy in the end. I hope you're happy my friend...As someone told me lately, 'Everyone deserves the chance to fly.'" <3

- Rachel

I'll be there for you, 'cause you're there for me, too...

In life, there's no one richer
than one who has a friend.
The joy is increased many fold,
divided is the pain.

I can't write anymore poetry. The block is too much. No matter how strong my need is to put fingers to keys and churn out the words, I have no concept of how to do justice to the gratitude I feel for being so blessed with my friends.

Sophomore year was ridiculous. The Sharks, as our group of Le Moyne friends likes to call ourselves, took one hit after another, sometimes literally, as in the case of Kate's concussion. We stayed up late watching movies for one reason or another. I remember Leah stayed up with me when they took Kate to the hospital and we watched either The Fox and the Hound or Robin Hood. A skype conversation took a turn for the long and late when Steph and Ellen needed us in the DR. That is only a small amount of it. I could probably write a book about sophomore year. It was us against the world, and we won. I thank God every day for my Sharks, because I wouldn't have made it without them. And for all of my friends. I can only hope I have done right by all of you.

The road, we pave it as we go.
The bumps will teach us well.
Our strength is from the journey,
for each time that we fell,
we rose again, convinced that we
could make it through the ride.
And, yes, we will, because we have
each other at our sides.


Currently reading: Run by Ann Patchett. I will get to Great Expectations soon, it just didn't make for a good workout book.

Listening to: one of my new favorite songs, "All Will Be Well" by the Gabe Dixon Band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMTU7yNXmpI&feature=related

"Even though sometimes this is hard to tell, and the fight is just as frustrating as hell, all will be well." <3

- Rachel

Home is where the heart is.

I found myself thinking today of how much I didn't want to be here. It wasn't just that I didn't want to be at work, I wanted to be gone. Out of this whole place. But where would I have gone.

I did not abandon my work (although I was not on my A game today); at various points throughout the day I considered where I wanted to be. Home. Where is home? Well, as the title states, where the heart is. So where is my heart?

EG. My hometown will always be special, and I left a piece of my heart there. Some great friends and amazing memories are there. And my family. My crazy family. They made me who I am.

Le Moyne. A sort of obvious choice for anyone who has seen the Sharks hang out. We are one big happy family. The best support network one could ask for. Le Moyne College is probably what made me understand "home."

Pyramid Life Center. Yes, there is a such thing as God Band Camp. I went there, three years in a row. The center centers me; I feel at ease the moment I step out of the car into the parking lot. It's one of those places that hugs you. I know, as if a place could hug. But I swear it does.

Those aren't all of my homes. I have only skimmed the surface. But I should have been to bed long ago.

Currently reading: nothing per se, but I plan to begin Great Expectations as soon as my presentation is all finished. It's one of those books I started for fun, and didn't finish, and now have to start again. I'm excited, though. Hopefully it won't take too long! :)

Listening to: "Everything in it's Own Time" by the Indigo Girls. "What was once your pain will be your home, everything in it's own time."

- Rachel

Hit me with your best shot!

I played softball again today, for the last time. It was playoff game number two; our team actually won the first one yesterday. I was not there, unfortunately, as we had an ACS dinner and talk for the program. Not mandatory, but free food and science. Who could ask for more? :P Anyway, we lost today's game, but it was quite fun, and I am so glad I got to play one last time. :)

The talk last night was on Raman Spectroscopy and Art. The guy spoke about using this non-invasive technique to identify pigments in artwork, which affords us both information on what pigments were used in the work, and whether or not it was a forgery. Certain synthetic pigments present in works purported to be from centuries ago indicate either touch-ups, or forgeries. I still don't know all that much about Raman, but the talk was interesting, and the speaker was engaging.

As I write you, I am in the midst of hardcore work on my presentation for group meeting/REU Tuesday lunch. The first is a 20 minute presentation, and the second, a 7 minute one. They're on the same thing, so I'll just have to cut the first one, but still... I am less nervous about the giving of the presentation, at least for now. That could change once it is finished and I attempt to give it, but right now I feel pretty good about my ability to talk about my project. Not 100%; I'll get there, though. I get far less nervous than I used to. Which isn't to say I don't get nervous. I just used to be awful about it, and now I am only moderate to barely noticeable.

Currently reading: still The Ghost Orchid. Moving slower due to the presentation that I have to make. Still a good book. :)

Listening to: "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls. "There's more than one answer to these questions, pointing me in a crooked line. The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." <3

- Rachel

It's like asking Niagara not to fall...

Today our program took a bus to Niagara Falls! Most of the group went to Canada, but 5 of us (myself included) stayed in the U.S. We got to go to Cave of the Winds, an up close and personal walk around the falls. There was a special walkway that brought us right up to the falling water, and it was wicked cool. We got very wet, though; the provided ponchos did little to protect us from the large amount of falling water, once we got really close. The one cool thing they did was give us sandals to wear (well, we paid $11, but...). I'm sure it's a liability thing, but they were really comfortable, and a good break from the sneakers I had. I might have kept them, too, since everyone gets their own new pair. They encourage you, however, to donate them to their program when you finish; they bring the used shoes to impoverished countries where the people need protected feet. Plus, I didn't want to carry my sneakers around all day. I interlocked the sandals, and gave them a quick kiss, a sort of prayer for whatever size 10 gets my shoes. I hope that they help!

My presentations, now just barely a week away (the 27th and 28th), loom ever more ominous on the horizon. I started working on it yesterday, and was reminded of how much I hate PowerPoint slide show making. the program is great. It just takes forever. :( At least I will have the whole thing down before science seminar back at Le Moyne.

Currently reading: The Ghost Orchid by Carol Goodman. Interesting so far, but I am so tired that I can't bring myself to keep reading. Still recommend it!

Listening to: the song in my head, "Shine" by Anna Nalick. "You're the one to whom nobody verses 'I love you,' unless you say it first...isn't it time you got over how fragile you are?" <3

- Rachel

Have you seen me lately?

So, last night/this morning, I saw Harry Potter. It was my first midnight movie, and it was amazing. Go see it. It remains to be seen, however, how tired I will end up tomorrow; I did pretty well today, but there is a one day delay, usually. Now that I have been getting regular amounts of sleep, my body can potentially recover from this particular event with little notice. At least I hope.

I noticed a measurable increase in the amount of stupid things I did today - likely the result of my tiredness. It made me feel like I was in first semester organic lab; I never used to sleep more than 4 or 5 hours before going to that class. And I tended to spill things. A lot more than second semester. That lab was in the afternoon. Go figure.

Our group is going to Niagara Falls this Saturday, and apparently we have the 5 hours to spend ourselves. Not really sure what to do with 5 hours; suggestions are welcome! :)

Not much reaction success to report; the thiolation of AZT didn't work as proven by mass spectrometry. :( No worries, though - we're currently tweaking our reaction conditions, and aren't even close to out of options. I am hopeful that something will work for us! :)

It's almost the end of week 6 here at SU, and I am in utter disbelief. I received an email with textbook information in it yesterday; I am not prepared to go back to classes. Don't get me wrong; I like school, but I appreciate my vacations. The 10 days I will be home after my job finishes are going to be the most precious 10 days of the summer.

Currently reading: same books. I wanted to finish Promise Not To Tell, but I am so drained, I don't have the energy. Tomorrow, I will do it.

Listening to: "Someday You Will Be Loved" by Death Cab for Cutie. "You may feel alone when you're falling asleep, and everytime tears roll down your cheeks, but I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. Someday you will be loved..." <3

- Rachel

We Didn't Start The Fire!

We had a fire drill this morning. At 7:20. I don't want you to feel too bad for me, because I was already awake, and would have gotten up. The problem was this: I couldn't find my keys. Valerie was under the impression that the ridiculous beeping was my cell phone, and I was all frazzled because I couldn't find it. Wrong. At least it wasn't cold. And at least I was getting up around then anyway. It was still depressing. :(

Research is still going; we're on the verge of cell work! I just have to run one more reaction: the creation of the disulfide bond between the SPDP activated Folate/PEG compound and the thiolated AZT. Soon, and very soon...

Readers, I just want to take the time once again to say how grateful I feel to be here. I have taken so many good things from this experience already, and I still have the better part of five weeks left. That's plenty of time to learn more, oh so much more.

Back in the day, when I was in eighth grade and I thought I was a hot shot, I made the mistake of saying something about how we (the human race) didn't have that much more to discover scientifically. Something really stupid. I was immediately corrected by one much wiser than myself; I was told that there was a whole wealth of untapped knowledge out there. I don't remember the exact words, but I've gone back to that moment in my head a lot lately. Perhaps, subconsciously, that's when I started on my scientific path. Or, maybe not. In either case, I use it as my fuel now. I won't be able to discover "everything," and "everything" won't be discovered in my lifetime, but I want to make some contribution to the known. We talked in AP English about the "collective unconscious;" I want to add to the "collective conscious."

Currently Reading: Promise Not To Tell by Jennifer McMahon, and still Lisey's Story. But I finished Wicked!!!!!!!!!!!! I have mixed feelings about that one, but I am glad to be finished with it. I liked the musical better.

Listening to: Reba McEntire on shuffle. <3 "Somebody that you look at, but never really see - somewhere out there is somebody..."

- Rachel

The little ole willow is laughin' at me...

That's me. Hugging a tree. It's how I roll now.

I went to church today, and who do I run into, but Brother Marsh! Haven't seen him at all this past academic year, what with his sabbatical and everything. But he's back, which I knew, and it makes me even more excited to go back to Le Moyne. Steph's countdown said 46 days...

More science this week upcoming - I have my first presentation of my work here at SU in just over two weeks. July 28 to be exact. My first ever real presentation of research. Many more to come I am sure. I'll stop thinking about it for right now, though. No sense in drumming up unnecessary nerves.

Nancy did indeed visit Friday to Saturday, but Shakespeare in the park was canceled indefinitely due to the economy. Which I guess I can understand. Plus, we got to walk, talk and swing for a solid hour and a half after our picnic! :) I love that girl. Don't know what I would do without her, really. She's the one that got me to hugging trees. :P

Currently reading: Wicked. Yeah I know it's the same book. I am working really hard to finish it. It's not my favorite, either, which makes it more of a hassle to finish. I'll get there.

Listening to: Frank Sinatra on shuffle. "Let's fly, let's fly away..."

- Rachel

I do what I have to do...

Today, I ran the HPLC. All day. The many 22 minute runs were only exacerbated by the fact that one of the peaks from the column came off in like 6 vials of about a drop each, causing me to go through vials like crazy. I had to keep emptying them and washing them, and the vials are the the worst to clean. I have to finish cleaning some of them tomorrow before we go to the theoretical chemistry workshop (about which I am wicked excited because it is my first real intro to Physical Chemistry, which is where I think I ultimately want to go).

Nancy is coming to visit tomorrow, and we are going to see the Taming of the Shrew in the park. I've never read it, but Bill Shakespeare and I are BFFs. :)

Currently reading: Wicked and Lisey's Story. Not much headway made, sadly. But Wicked is getting better.

Listening to: Set this Circus Down by Tim McGraw. "I guess that's just the cowboy in me..."

- Rachel

I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain...

Today I went to X-ray safety training - maybe one day I will be able to use the X-ray machine at SU, and if not, Le Moyne is getting one soon, so I will be all prepared! I'm so proud of us. :) (Well, Drs. O'Brien, Craig and Tanner, anyway...)

http://echo.lemoyne.edu/NewsFlash/displaypage.asp?NewsNo=4480

It was at this safety training that it started to pour, and then there was hail. The cloudburst was short, but the lightening was severe - a bolt of it hit the building! This triggered an alarm, and we were sequestered to the basement in more or less "fire drill" fashion. It was so odd, but everyone is safe, and all is well. That's the most important part.

I passed my safety training with flying colors, and I am now ready and raring to go. I can't wait to use another cool machine. The more I do here, the more I get a feel for what I want to do later on, where I want to go with my own future research. Perhaps, more importantly, I learn where I don't want to do.

Our reactions are going well; I took the proton NMR of our latest product, the attempt to turn the chlorine in the AZT-Cl to a thiol group (-SH). I am still not sure if the reaction worked or not, as there are two peaks that have appeared, each integrating to 7. Basically, there is at least one new proton source, and there are two new sets of 7 equivalent protons. I have absolutely no idea where this is coming from, but that is the nature of research: discovery. I realize more and more every day how little I actually know in the grand scheme of things, how little is known by the scientific community. We know a lot, and yet there is so much more out there waiting to be known. I hope that one day, I can make some contribution to the pool of understanding.

I get to play softball again tomorrow. I am very excited; now that I more or less know what the rules are, I think I will be a bit better. I shouldn't speak too soon, though. After all, I was the one who fell the first time I was at bat, three feet from home plate, attempting to run to first base. That was yesterday. I am 20 years old, and I am probably one of the most uncoordinated people you will ever encounter.

Currently reading: Wicked, as well as Lisey's Story by Stephen King. Not very far into that one yet; I'm trying to use it as my workout book. As for Wicked, I am finally to a part where I can sort of start to see what the musical was based off of. For any soundtrack addicts, I've made it through about the first four songs as far as plot is concerned.

Listening to: "Jack and Diane" by John Mellencamp. "Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone..."

- Rachel

Put me in, Coach. I'm ready to play!

Today I ventured where no other REU this summer has ventured before me (at least I think so). I played on the Chemistry department's softball team! Each of the departments can field a co-ed team, and ours was short a girl. I was invited to play, and we had a great time. We lost, but I guess that's par for our course. Our team, Chemical Addiction, has only won one game legitimately; the other win was a forfeit. Hey, you can't have everything, right?

I didn't post yesterday, but I guess now is as good a time as any to bring this up: the "What now?/Bring it on!" Jesus from the Alibrandi Center. Let me explain. During both of my visits to the center, I was struck by the appearance of the crucifed statue on the wall in the front of the chapel. This Jesus, instead of looking dejected and broken, is in a sort of "What now?/Bring it on!" pose. His arms are a bit more bowed, but the expression is all in his face. It gets me every time. He carried his cross, the cross of the world, and then died, for us. And then he rose from death to new life. He can do anything, and with him, we can do anything. If you think you can beat him, you're wrong. He'll get you every time. It's kind of comforting, actually.

Currently reading: Wicked by Gregory Maguire. Not really sure how I feel about it, but since I loved the musical, I had to read the book. Jury's still out on the book, but go see the show. It's spectacular!

Listening to: "Say" by John Mayer. "It’s better to say too much than never to say what you need to say..." <3

- Rachel

She lit up the sky that fourth of July...

Happy Independence Day everyone! I hope you are all enjoying the festivities, celebrating our freedom, and doing so responsibly! :)

I just spent the day watching my sister's softball games; they are currently 3-0, so hopefully that bodes well for the single elimination tomorrow.

Yesterday, Valerie and I ventured out on her first Centro (bus) ride, and we went to Carousel Mall to see UP and do some impromptu shopping. As if I needed any more, I bought 3 more books (on clearance). We met Josh for lunch and the movie. UP was really cute. :)

Currently reading: Between, Georgia by Joshilyn Jackson. Well, I have read the first page, but it looks really good! And, I finally finished Agnes Grey. Thank goodness. That was also a really good one, and brought my SU book total to 8 books. Onward, ho!

Listening to: All I Ever Wanted by Kelly Clarkson. Valerie's current favorite CD, and really good workout music. Almost as good as my favorite workout CD, Have A Nice Day by Bon Jovi. I do love him. :)

- Rachel

If you see him...

As I walked through the atrium, back to my dorm to get some lunch, I looked outside to my left. I saw someone I was certain I knew, one of my Le Moyne friends, though I couldn't see his face. I was about 99% certain on this one, and thus decided to take a short detour. Sure enough, "it was Nick!" (I thought you might appreciate that, Leah. :P) He had wandered over here from ESF to find a professor who knew about yeast, but to no success. We got to talking; both of us seem to be having scientific, but rewarding and fun-filled summers! That's all anyone could hope for, right? :P

Still making more starting materials, still analyzing them. Next week, Tony says we will begin the cell work; we will actually test some of the stuff we made on the cells! It's the moment of truth...

Currently reading: The Face by David St. John. It's a novella in verse, a very moving narrative of a failed love. Read it. I also just finished the full text of Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke, translated by Stephen Mitchell. Amazing, a must read. And I am still making my way through Agnes Grey. Yeah, I know. I could have, and probably should have finished that first. What can I say, I guess I am an ADD reader.

Listening to: All That We Let In by the Indigo Girls. Great Album! :)

- Rachel