I can't believe I only have two days left in my summer program! I am very excited to get a quick break before returning to the Heights; I want to see everyone, but I also need some sleep...
I want to apologize for my lack of blogging this summer. I have been trying very hard to be *all in* with everything I do, and that leaves little time to recount it to others.
How successful was I? Well, I was in a sort of low state. The project was not moving, and I didn't know what to do to fix it, and there were a couple of things that needed to be overcome before we could get to a place where we could move forward. We're mostly back at square one now, from square negative fifteen or so. I'm hoping we'll get to a good place before I leave, but such is research: you never know for certain what will happen.
Something else I noticed: the flames subgroup met the other day, and in the meeting we talked about the things we wanted to do longer term with this project. We continued to get more fanciful, and then they were going on about things that would be really cool to do because they would mess with people's minds. That was their reasoning, and I saw ZERO practical applications for the things they mentioned other than that. Now, I realized that I am more than likely viewing things more shortsightedly than I realize, and that's all good and well, but I also know that there are problems in this world that are more immediate than messing with people's minds. What about all of the people that won't eat today, or drink clean water? What about them?
I have become extremely pessimistic about Academia this summer. There is a lot of concern for how many papers one publishes, and less about their impact on humanity. It's extremely elitist and nepotistic, and I can't say I wasn't persuaded by the promise of papers or that I did not get here because I knew someone. I know this: I am driven by a great desire to help the people of this world.
An important question I am now attempting to answer for myself is the following: what problem do I feel most compelled to try my hand at solving?
This is a question for which I have NO answer, as of yet. I read about the work of different labs, and nothing strikes me. Like a friend of mine so aptly put, I feel cursorily interested in all sorts of things, but nothing really grabs me. I think about other problems that I have been exposed to, and none of them captivate me in the way that I would hope.
That said, I have always wanted to teach. I still want to teach, and I think that Education is one of the most valuable things a person can have, because once acquired, it can never be taken away. It continues to strike me how much of a difference it can make in a person's life.
Last Friday, the Whitesides Group undergraduates all presented short spiels of our research to the man himself. After it was all over, I actually ended up in conversation with him and my program director. She mentioned something about me wanting to take a year off, and George said something to the effect of, "A lot of people are concerned with cramming everything together, but there's no reason to do that unless you're exactly sure what you want to do." And then he asked me what I wanted to do. I mentioned Ecuador, in perhaps the most dispassionate way that I could have. Dispassionate, however, is one thing that I am not.
As I end my time here, I still don't have answers to my questions, and I am beginning to think that that is sort of the way of things. It's like feeling around in the dark for something, but you don't know what it is or if it's there at all. I am excited to add this experience to my toolbox:
"It's funny: I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience. But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty bent old tools - friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty - and said 'do the best you can with these, they will have to do'. And mostly, against all odds, they do."
I return to Le Moyne in just over a week. I am going to be a senior, and all of my senior friends from last year will be gone, for real. :-( I don't think I am mentally prepared for this, but I don't have a choice now, do I?
I apologize for a particularly rambly blog, but that's where I am. Confused and unsure, I open the gate to tomorrow.
Currently reading: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. Still. I know. Not only did I not blog much, I did not read nearly as much as I would have liked. Oh well. I still have a week before I go back to the craziness that is my life at Le Moyne.
Listening to: "Long Time Gone" by the Dixie Chicks. I love them. I feel like I haven't listened to them in forever.
Peace and all good,
Rachel
